I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
