I got chris browned last night
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
