i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
sarcasm needs its own font
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
