hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
