So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
