A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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