I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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