Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize