i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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