Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
