Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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