I think I won the penis lottery.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize