It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
