alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
