We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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