So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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