Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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