so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
