I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
