I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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