before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
