There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
