Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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