So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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