it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
