I'm so fucking centered right now
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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