Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
