the condom got lost in my hair
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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