last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
