i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
