He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
