laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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