We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
