I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
