It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am midnight drunk by noon
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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