if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
