Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
