If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
