Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
