I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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