Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I love you. Go after that dick
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
