i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
