All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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