dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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