oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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