He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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