Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
