You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
