How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
