I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize