well you can't waste a boner
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
