I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize