He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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