What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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