When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
