There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
