I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
