Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
