My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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