I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
