Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
