I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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