youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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