I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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