A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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