smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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